This year, the Phillies and the Mets will play each other 18 times over 6 series. At least once each series, I will get together virtually with my MetsFriend, Matt, and talk smack via GoogleChat. What follows are actual excerpts from our online conversation.
Top of the 1st Inning
Matt: Your pitcher is so old he was Cy Young’s mentor.
Me: *snort* Try again.
Matt: Here, let me do a Mets one for you. You’re leading off with Gary Matthews, Jr. You suck. Here’s one more: No man named Razor should be a first base coach.
Castro’s failed bare handed grab.
Matt: And that’s why you wear a glove, genius.
Top of the 1st, still.
Matt: Has Moyer heard of a razor?
Me: Has David Wright heard of a pair of tweezers?
Top of the 1st, some more. David Wright’s 3 run homer.
Matt: Why isn’t the bell ringing, Liz? Wright hit a home run! Oh that’s right, it only rings when Phillies hit a home run. And this time, David Wright hit a home run.
Me: I saw that one coming.
Matt: Find me someone who didn’t.
Bottom of the 1st, fucking finally.
Me: And pumpkin head for the win. He was overdue for that homer. He has an enormous head.
Matt: Santana looks like he’s taking a shit as he prepares to pitch.
Me: OOOH! TASTE IT! TASTE IT! TASTE IT!! HOW DOES THAT RYAN HOWARD HOME RUN TASTE!?!
Matt: He’s still overpaid.
Me: At least he’s not Carlos “I still can’t run yet” Beltran.
Matt: And up comes Jayson Werth, future…Cardinal. Or Red Sox. Or Dodger again? He was a Dodger once.
Me: You missed the good zinger. Future Yankee.
Matt: I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Plus, he’d have to shave.
Me: Awh, you’re a good man. Fuck the Yankees.
Matt: Darn tootin’.
2nd Inning at long last.
Me: Is that David Wright or a chipmunk rapist?
Matt: Can an 80mph fastball actually be considered a fastball?
Barajas takes a stupid risk while trying to steal 3rd and falls down in the process.
Me: What is this, fucking recess? What did Barajas just do?
Matt: Yeah, that’s embarrassing.
Matt: Though if you want embarrassing, you have John, formerly of Kate plus 8. At least he’s not a Mets fan. Though we do have The Situation, unfortunately. So that’s a tie. Of douchebaggery.
Me: Joe Morgan forgot how many outs there were.
Matt: Moron. Yes, Joe, we know you played for the Reds. When baseball was pure, except for Pete Rose betting on things.
Me: You shut your mouth about Pete Rose, you hear me?
Matt: Um…hi, this is Joe Morgan. I am stupid.
Me: Jamie Moyer is wearing some tight pants.
Matt: He did start playing baseball in what, the 70s?
Matt: Tight pants were “in” then.
Me: Are they really talking about how big that guy’s bat is?
Me: You bet that looks like a big bat. Talk about the knob and the choke some more. None of that is remotely suggestive or could ever be taken out of context and used in a humorous manner. And I thought golf announcers were bad.
The announcers start talking about Francoeur’s toughness
Me: Awh, did someone get all bruised during Friday night’s game? Playing baseball and getting paid an ungodly amount of money must be so fucking hard. How tough is Francoeur? Francoeur is a pussy.
Matt: Well clearly. He’s from Atlanta. Did you see his helmet actually has “Frenchy” on it? That’s his nickname. Frenchy.
Me: It’s because he’s a fucking pussy.
Top of the 4th
Matt: Oh, Barajas is up. HA! Homer! He’s a Phillie Killer.
Me: Who do I hate more than Rod Barajas? Probably Satan.
Matt: I call him my best spring training fantasy pick. I saw him play, and thought that his individual stats would be good for my team. Plus he was the only Met at the time “playing well.”
Me: Or “not fucking up.” Or “earning their paychecks.”
Jerry Manuel does his dugout interview looking decidedly not at the camera.
Me: What the fuck is Jerry looking at?
Matt: He’s such a fucking dimbulb. He coaches the way babies play with toys. Let me try this one! Or maybe this one! He is the Joe Morgan of baseball management.
Bottom of the 4th
Me: Oh God, it gets me so hot when Utley does that.
Matt: What, an extra base hit?
Me: Oh yeah. Or really when he does anything at all.
Matt: Yeah…I don’t see baseball players in that way, pal. Maybe Ike Davis.
Santana walks Ruiz.
Me: SEXY. THAT’S SEXY.
Matt: Oh, this is no good. But typical. Santana walks a lot of people.
Santana walks Moyer.
Me: I just had a sports orgasm.
Matt: Again, this isn’t surprising for me.
Me: What, my sports orgasm?
Matt: No. Santana. I honestly have no love for him. Money grubber.
Me: Oh, them’s fighting words! Tone it down, Carlin!
And now, the magic begins.
Matt: Oh God, 2 games in a row like this. In the bottom of the fucking fourth.
Me: Who’s the best pitcher in the NL East now, Santana?! That’s a fucking boatload of runs he just gave up, buddy. You better pray he’s suppressed his gag reflex, because he’s bound to CHOKE on that asinine quote he gave back in February. Whaaaat a dicksmack.
Matt: Good, Takahashi, there he is, warming up. No this whole thing isn’t shocking. At all. For any Met fan ever.
Werth hits off Takahashi, Santana’s relief, bringing in Ryan Howard.
Matt: And the season is over. Fantastic. Well, we’ll always have April. The Nationals are going to have a better season. I know it. It’s going to be awful.
The inning finally ends, and Matt gets reflective.
Matt: Thank fucking God. Bah. It’s like any glimmer of hope they give the fans…any attempt they make to actually try…they just can’t ever do…anything. So much money.
Matt: I think Santana is hurt again. Or never was healed. Maybe we could kill him and make money off the insurance. Oh wait, the Mets probably don’t have insurance. Because they are the Mets. I wonder if the Reds would have him.
Matt: Let’s go back to being sorry for the Mets. Because it’s clearly even more pathetic this time. At least they go on to play the Reds next. They suck worse.
After hitting and actually getting on base, Moyer is tagged out at home.
Matt: Thank God he is 47 years old. Because I would have broken something if he scored another run.
At this point, Matt requested that he be allowed to turn the game off. I consented, not wanting to be cruel. You will hear more from Matt, my MetsFriend, in an interview I’m conducting with him this week. His relentless pessimism will surprise and entertain you.