Cocks in the Hen House: 05.12.10


“Cocks in the Hen House” is a weekly column by friends of the Chicks that aren’t, well, chicks. Stop by every Wednesday to see what the men-folk have to say about the weeks biggest baseball stories.

By Ryan Edmund (@petzrawr)

Dealing with losing your job, like I recently have, is kind of like dealing with the death of a loved one: there’s a process of grieving you go through first. First is denial, (“No, that’s not possible. They didn’t just fire me over some stupid political bullshit. I’m the best assistant manager in the company!”) followed by anger, (“I hate those sons-of-bitches. I hope Three Mile Island melts down and fries those assholes.”) which is followed by bargaining, (“I swear to God, I’ll never throw another pen at a supervisor again if they take me back.”), which is proceeded by depression, (“Oh my god, what if I never find a job I like? What if I get stuck back in another shitty job again?”) and finally there is acceptance.

The idea for this article came somewhere between the stages of depression and acceptance; I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself a few days after getting fired from my job when I realized that it wasn’t the end of the world. There’s a lot of good baseball players that are still unemployed. The realization that Pedro Martinez doesn’t have a job either somehow made me feel a little better. I decided that I’d put together a roster made up entirely of out of work MLBers. So without further ado I present:

The 2010 Chicks Dig the Long Drive All-Unemployed Team

(see what I did there?)

 

Infield:

1B – Carlos Delgado

  • Okay, okay, he was a Met. I know that’s points off but, hey, he hit .298 and slugged .546 at age 37. Hell, not two years ago Delgado finished ninth in MVP voting. Of course there is the fact that he made $12 million last year. I don’t think my unemployment benefits will be able to cover that kind of salary.

2B – Scott Spiezio

  • Second base was a tough position to fill: there aren’t currently any MLB free-agents with much experience at 2B. So, after much searching, I decided to offer a hypothetical tryout to Scott Spiezio currently languishing playing in Jersey with the Atlantic League’s Newark Bears. Scott’s currently hitting .346 with a .407 OBP in the Atlantic League (which, for the record, revived the career of Nelson Figueroa, who spent the ’06 campaign with the Long Island Ducks).

3B – Joe Crede

  • It wasn’t much of a surprise that Crede didn’t find work for the start of the 2010 season. His numbers were steadily declining the past few years and his range certainly isn’t what it used to be. But he was an All-Star in 2008 and has hit 66 ding-dongs since 2006. There’s a baseball adage that says power guys don’t lose power with age, so Crede could find himself mashing taters as a DH somewhere in the AL down the stretch.

SS – Khalil Greene

  • Poor Khalil had his $750,000 2010 contract voided by the Rangers after not reporting to spring training due to a social anxiety disorder that caused him to miss time in the previous season. But that doesn’t matter to us here. Come play for us, Khalil. We don’t care how you perform. We’re just here to have some fun and keep ourselves busy until something better comes along.

C – Paul Bako

  • The All-Unemployed team will be Bako’s 12th team in 13 years in the majors. Oof. But Paul can call a game and has a career OBP of .305 so he’s worth having around. Fun Fact: Paul Bako played for three teams in 2000; Houston, Florida, and Atlanta. However, he played just one game for the Astros that year!

           

Outfield:

LF – Darin Erstad

  • There were quite a few LFs to pick from in this category. Gary Sheffield almost got the nod, but at age 41 I have doubts about his defensive ability. Erstad gets the spot not just because he’s a three-time Gold Glover (and two-time all-star), but because he’s a career .282 hitter.

CF – Rocco Baldelli

  • It was either Baldelli or Elijah Dukes. Nationals had to hire an ex-cop to follow Dukes around and keep him out of trouble. (Seriously!) I don’t have the extra money needed to pay for that, so Baldelli gets the job.

RF – Jermaine Dye

  • Dye is a former All-Star, Gold Glove and Silver Slugger winner. In 2008, Dye finished 15th in MVP voting. He’s a no-brainer for the starting right-fielder job because, well, it was either him or Geoff Jenkins. The only problem is, quoth Dye: “I’m not going to a bad team, and I’m not playing for $1.5 million.”

 

Bench:

Kevin Millar – Cowboy up! He’s slugged a career .452 and is by all accounts a great clubhouse guy.

Gary Sheffield – 509 career dingers is at least worth a spot on the team.

Eric Byrnes – Career .320 OBP, but he was released by Seattle after a slow start to 2010 and is reportedly close to just hangin’ ‘em up for good.

Geoff Jenkins – If for no reason other than because my girlfriend loves the guy. And, hey! It’s not like we have to pay him anything, he’s making $1.75 million from the Phillies for the 2010 season!

Michael Barrett – Umm… Backup Catcher! Yeah!

Pitchers:

SP – Pedro Martinez

  • Mark my words, Pedro will pitch in 2010. Hell, it might even be in Philly again. But until then he’s welcome on my team.

SP – Jarrod Washburn

  • Career 4.10 ERA and 1.301 WHIP? Good enough for us. He’s another hurler who’ll probably end up on a major league roster by the post-season but probably not at the salary he’s used to: Jarrod made $9.85 million in 2009 for a combined 9-9 record between Seattle and Detroit.

SP – Braden Looper

  • Looper has similar numbers to Washburn (4.15/1.373) through a career as a starter and reliever,  but he has a pair of World Series rings: one with St. Louis in ’06 and one with the Fish in ’03.

SP – Mike Hampton

  • Another dude with decent career numbers (4.07/1.443) but he’s worth picking up because of his bat. Hampton has hit 16 homers in his 15 seasons. He’s won FIVE silver sluggers! In fact, Hampton’s career batting line is .246/.560/.650. Not too shabby for a pitcher.

SP – John Smoltz

  • Okay, he’s up there in years, 43 of them to be precise, but the man is a Cy Young winner! And even after posting a 6.35 ERA split between starts with the Red Sox and Cards in 2009, his career ERA is still just 3.33. Look, he’ll always be a stupid Brave to me. But if I can put Carlos freakin’ Delgado on this list, Smoltz is more than welcomed.

 

(Dishonorable mention: I was SO CLOSE to putting Adam Eaton on this list just to be a dick. True story: Kerri and I were present last season for the best start of his career when he struck out nine over 7.2 innings while playing for Baltimore.)

Relievers:

Closer – Jason Isringhausen: 293 career saves? Fine by me!

Set-up – Chad Bradford: He’s a submariner! Hell yeah!

MR – Russ Springer: Springer represents the third of three relievers on the 2009 Rays to be on this list. Weird.

MR –  Russ Ortiz: Poor dude was DFA’ed by the Dodgers after six appearances.

MR – Jamie Walker: According to Wikipedia, his nickname is “Jamie The Cat”. I’ve never once heard him called that in three seasons as an Oriole.

LR – David Weathers: Made his major league debut in 1991! He was released last year by the Brewers and granted free agency.

LR – Scott Eyre: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s retired, thus ineligible for this list. But I believe the coolest motherfucker in the world is coming back.

Well there you have it. Remember folks, in these tough economic times sometimes even the best of us can get down on our luck. So as I finish this article, I’ll file for unemployment for the first time in my life. But I’ll do it with a smile on my face because I know that, deep down in my heart-of-hearts, at least I’m not Adam Eaton. F that guy.

Ryan is a contributor to Phillies Long Drive.  You may also recognize his video skillz from The Phield campaign for The Fightins.  You can find him on Twitter here.

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One Response

  1. Good stuff from the man they call PetzRAWR!!!!

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