Player Profile: Ryan Howard


There’s about 125 million things I could say about Ryan Howard. And I’ve got at least until 2016 to try to say them all. But unless you’ve never read a sports page and your reckless Google search of keywords like “cocks” and “long balls” and “David Wright’s shirtless body”  in hopes of finding fresh, new Internet porn brought you to this site by accident, you already know all about the mega deal the Phillies first baseman signed last month that will keep him in red-and-white pinstripes well into this coming decade.

Make money money, make money money (Source: dupontregistry.com)

Whether you agree with the long-term, bank-busting deal or not, Ryan is our franchise player, and there’s no denying the many reasons to want this guy to stay right where he is in the City of Brotherly Love for a long time to come.

 If you’re a chick like me who digs the long ball, Ryan’s home run record is bound to get you all hot and bothered in a way that only a man called “The Big Piece” could. He was the fastest player in Major League Baseball to hit 100 and 200 home runs, among other record-breaking feats, and has led the National League in home runs twice so far—in the 2006 and 2008 seasons.  One of my favorite Ryan Howard distinctions? Way back in 2006, he was the first player to hit a home run into Ashburn Alley at Citizen’s Bank Park. And I was in the ballpark that day to see it.

From Sports Illustrated

When he swings and misses—which he often does—no one looks more lumbering and awkward than Ryan Howard, but when the big guy goes yard—which he often does—no one bangs it over the bleachers quite like Ryan Howard.

And when it comes to awards, this guy’s our own resident Meryl Streep. Rookie of the Year. Player of the Year. Most Valuable Player. Hank Aaron Award winner. Silver Slugger.  And, oh yeah, World Fucking Champion.

I immediately admired Ryan Howard on the field, but it wasn’t until that infamous Subway commercial with him and Jared that I developed a crush on the man off the field. Something about the way he championed for “more meat” (you know, so he could hit the long ball) that got me all hot and bothered in a way that only a man called “The Big Piece” could.

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