Sexy Phillies Opponent of the Series: Joe Mauer, MIN


As I write this, I am at a loss for words.  It could be the way the Phils blew at five-run lead yesterday afternoon (thanks to my mom jinxing them). It could be because today was a less-than-happy Halladay. Or it could be due to the fact that this series’ Sexy Opponent has one of the best tushies baseball has ever witnessed. In order to try and cheer everyone up, I’ll go with option number three. And now, without further ado, one of the loveliest things to ever come out of St. Paul, Minnesota…

Joe Mauer (and his Badonk), C
Minnesota Twins #7

This hometown boy playing for his hometown team is all kinds of luscious AND talented. In high school, our boy Joe was a three sport athlete (baseball, football, and basketball – imagine that booty in 70s-era basketball shorts!!), and was the only athlete ever to be selected as a USA Today Player of the Year in two different sports. He is a fantastic hitter in addition to his stellar work behind the plate. In 2008 he was the starting catcher in the All-Star Game – a feat he repeated in 2009 – and won his first Gold Glover later that same year.  In his spare time, he’s modeled a bit and unfortunately for us, recorded his own rap music (WHY?!).  Joe has two brothers. Older brother Jake was in the Twins farm system for a while and now manages the Single-A Fort Myers Miracle. Brother Billy also played until several health issues sent him to an early, permanent tee time.

But on to his looks, yes? Big Joe is known for his Big Sideburns, a look that the team has honored each year he’s been in the Bigs with “Joe Mauer Sideburn Night.” He definitely has the aw-shucks thing going, balanced by his ungodly hotness. As mentioned previously, his heiney is a gift from God above. It’s voluptuous, shapely, and fills out his baseball pants something fierce. Catchers always have lovely cabooses from all of the squatting, but this one is just exceptional. In fact, as he rounded the bases in yesterday’s game-tying 2-run homer, all I could see (besides red from my anger) was his badonkadonk making its way around our house on Pattison Avenue. Don’t believe me? See for yourself…

Um...wow. I'd eat dinner off of it.

Hoo boy... (AP Photo/ Tom Olmscheid)


Amazing facial hair, a lovely smile, insane skill, an All-American Boy, and a tush we could serve proper tea to the Queen of England on? Joe is a winner.

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3 Responses

  1. Crashburn Alley picked Jorge Posada for the starting AL catcher spot in the All-Star Game. I feel like the only evidence needed to dispute that would be the unnaturally huge amount of balls Posada mishandled like a Little Leaguer in that last Phils game.

  2. Also, in the more important Badonk competition, Mauer ruins Posada’s life. Like I even needed to say that.

  3. Congrats on discovering what we in Minnesota have known for a long time now!

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