• Recurring Features

  • Top Rated

  • Color Commentary

  • Archives

  • Advertisements

Sexy Phillies Opponent of the Series: Matt Holliday, STL

To say I’ve been less than inspired to write about our Sexy Opponents lately is an understatement. While the ASG Hottie Roundup was quite exciting, the Phillies have been the exact opposite. In fact I was so fed up after the Cubs series, that if you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen I actually cancelled the entire post! But alas, after four days of watching the slaughter that has been the St. Louis series, I am back, if only to give us a reason to keep watching. I’m going to take a break from the stats and usual background info, and just express my admiration for this series Fine Piece O’ Heiney.

Matt Holliday, LF
St. Louis Cardinals #7

Matt Holliday,

You perplex me. I watched you as a Rockie and hated you. I watched you as an Athletic and was indifferent. I now watch you as a Cardinal, and…what is that I feel? I’m looking for you in the lineup? Is that…is that an attraction to you?! Oh thee of the head so ginormous it could be used as the in-arena JumboTron, you are one fine man, indeed.

When my eyesight returns after having my retinas burned by the glare from your humongous melon, you’re actually quite good looking. You have a smile that could light up an entire outfield, and that is a lovely quality. Your caboose is nothing to sneeze at either, giving you the patented Pat Burrell Duck Waddle as you sashay your way around The Bat’s position of left field. You have some pretty nice hardware – a three-time Silver Slugger winner – to your name, as well as numerous other accolades to support the fact that you really are talented, despite never having crossed the plate in Game 163 of the 2007 season. At home in Texas, you have three kids, and the fact that you’re a dedicated father and husband just adds to the wholesome goodness.

So thank you, Matt Holliday, for making me suffer through these last three nights of intolerable baseball, including an eighth inning that endured for a shower and half an episode of “Nancy Grace.” Without that tush gracing my ancient non-LCD television, I’m not quite sure how I would’ve survived.

Yours Truly,


PS: Okay, maybe I’m still a little bitter about 2007. Maybe.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: