Cocks in the Hen House 08.18.2010


By Tug Haines (@mistertug)

I had a dream the other night that seemed significant. A little white boxer/pit mix gently grabbed my fingers with his teeth and helped me find a bar. I woke up thirsty. Am I an alcoholic? No. I don’t attend meetings. What does this have to do with baseball? Very little. But I bring it up as proof, once and for all, that no, I do not only dream of Pat Burrell’s sweet, sweet ass.

That’s what this site’s about, right? Players’ asses? No? Oh well.

As I write this, the Phillies are 2.5 games behind the Braves and are capable of getting a firm grip on the NL Wild Card lead with a series win over the San Francisco Baseball Giants. And I’m here to tell you one thing:

I’m not worried.

You can come out and call me “homer” all you want. You’d be right, too, because I am a homer, goddammit. I contribute to a Phillies blog, and I don’t pretend to be a journalist. It’s my right. Wipe your ass with my opinions for all I care, but here they are:

Fuck the NL Wild Card, first of all. We don’t want it. Take that wild card and throw it into a watermelon or some other such Gong Show nonsense. We got over 40 games left in the season and 2.5 games means dick with that kind of time for the Braves to stumble, fall and break a hip, sort of like that old-ass Larry Jones did. If you’re sitting there biting your lip and clutching the remote, crying about the National League freaking Wild Card Race, you need to take a deep breath and think about September 2007. The Wild Card is given to whatever team is willing to barf up the prospects to another team that can’t afford to keep their pending free agent superstar (I’m looking at you, 2008 Brewers). So get those Wild Card dreams out of your head; we’re taking the division.

Halladay is everything we’d hoped he’d be, Hamels is pitching his head off in spite of the lack of run support and Oswalt was a good trade. I know a lot of people were bitching about making a move for Roy part 2, but this is some playoff-minded shit on RAJ’s behalf.

The “Postseason Third Starter Worries” of April, May and June are dead in the water. This means we can take our chances with Blanton and Kendrick in the bullpen and give shitbags like Danys Baez their walking papers come October.

Injuries? Yeah, I know. If Uncle Miltie Thompson eats a shitwich over hitting woes, then Phillies trainer Scott Sheridan should be breaking out the horsey sauce in preparation for the five dollar footlong of fecal matter he should be made to scarf at gunpoint. Have these guys ever heard of stretching? I mean really. They’re professional athletes on an elite team. Enough with the fashion shows and Xfinity ads and Stop Pre-teen Sweating foundations or whatever these guys are doing to avoid paying taxes; buy a fucking Jane Fonda tape and just watch the warm-up.

I know, I know, it’s not all about the stretches, some of the injuries the Phils have suffered would not have been prevented by stretching. Besides, I’m getting away from my point, which is the Phillies have been playing nearly .600 ball without Utley and Howard. And now Chase is back and Howard isn’t far behind. I trust they’ll find a rhythm in time to raise the white “2010” pennant, so they can raise the blue, and then the red…

According to Tug’s Facebook bio, he is “Effervescent, vivacious, lively, animated, high-spirited, bubbly, ebullient, buoyant, sparkling, scintillating, lighthearted, jaunty, happy, jolly, cheery, cheerful, perky, sunny, enthusiastic, irrepressible, vital, zestful, energetic, dynamic, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, peppy, bouncy, upbeat, chirpy, full of beans” and the ladies of CDTLB could not agree more.  He also writes for The Fightins and can be found on Twitter here.

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One Response

  1. And now Chase is back and Howard isn’t far behind. I trust they’ll find a rhythm in time to raise the white “2010″ pennant, so they can raise the blue, and then the red…

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