The existence of this masterful creation (named by @SonOfADeitch, and thank you very much, sir) is due to a confluence of events. I had spent ages looking for an ice cream recipe worthy of Chooch, and hadn’t found anything that came close to his incredible, unmatched awesomeness. I had a pile of decent recipes, but no winners. I was growing desperate. Then last week, an angel from the heavens blessed us all.
Dom Brown hit a fucking monstrous home run. That home run healed the sick. It fed the starving masses. It impregnated every woman within a 5 mile radius. That home run wears a fedora and all the other home runs are insanely jealous of it. But the home run was only a means to an end. What end, you ask? This end:
That right there is Mike “Designated White Guy Hugger” Sweeney embracing Dom Brown. Chris (@LONG_DRIVE) of The Fightins created a video of their embrace, set to Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen. Both Brown and Sweeney have made an impression on the Phillies faithful, even in their short time with the club. In the way of Chase Utley and Roy Halladay, Sweeney and Brown have inspired heterosexual men to pledge their unending, undying love to them. The budding bromance of Sweeney, who might be the whitest guy in all of baseball, and Brown, a seemingly chill dude, is a story for the ages. Hoards of men have been driven crazy by the actual physical meeting of their man crushes.
I, too, was inspired by the Hug Heard ‘Round the World. Chris took care of the video, and I don’t have any video making skills anyway. I’m also not a very good songwriter (though I have been working on a new song called Eat the Mets, sung to the tune of Meet the Mets). No videos or songs for me. My inspiration took the form of a delicious, homemade frozen treat. Allow me to introduce to the world…
The Ebony & Ivory Man Melt Sundae. (tm @SonOfADeitch) Frozen banana custard and frozen chocolate cheesecake custard, together in one bowl. Just like Mike and Dom, together in the dugout for that one moment, but together in our minds forever.
(Fair warning, these are not my recipes. I try to create recipes for this feature as often as possible, but I’d never made frozen custard before, so I had to use a recipe. You can find the banana recipe here, and the chocolate recipe here. I’d also like to say that I’ve tried making custard several times, and until last night I was never successful. I think it’s the Power of the Bromance.)
Frozen Banana Custard
2 cups milk
1 cup dark brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 large bananas, peeled
1. Pour the milk into a saucepan over medium heat. You want the milk to almost boil, but not quite. Think simmer. While the milk is heating up, be sure to stir it to get rid of the weird, wrinkly milk skin that forms over warming milk. Also, beware of the really strange white stuff that sticks to the sides and bottom of the saucepan. Avoid getting this in your custard at all costs. When the milk has reached the simmer point, take it off the heat and let it cool slightly (but not completely).
2. While the milk is cooling, whisk together the eggs, sugar, and vanilla in a mixing bowl.
3. Now here is the really tricky part. It’s called tempering. Basically, when you have to combine a hot liquid with a raw egg based mixture, you can’t just toss them together all willy-nilly. If you do that, the eggs will scramble and your custard will be…scrambled eggs in a milk and sugar soup. So you have to gradually warm up the egg mixture with small amounts of the hot liquid to make sure the eggs don’t scramble. So with your whisk in hand, slowly pour about a ¼ cup of the warm milk into the egg mixture, briskly whisking the entire time. Repeat this until half of the milk is combined with the egg mixture, and then pour the egg and milk concoction back into the saucepan with the rest of the milk, continuing to whisk.
4. Everything is easy after the tempering. Put the saucepan, full of the raw custard, over medium-low or low heat. Do not under any circumstances leave it alone. You need to continue to briskly whisk it the entire time it’s over the heat or the eggs will cook, which is not what you want in a frozen dessert. Cook and whisk until the mixture has slightly thickened, and coats the back of a spoon. Remove from the heat and let it cool.
5. While the custard is cooling, take the peeled bananas and shove them into a food processor, pulsing them into a smooth puree.
6. If your food processor is large enough, pour the custard into the work bowl with the bananas, and pulse until fully combined. If you have a stupidly tiny food processor like I do, pour the banana puree into the custard, whisking your heart out until they’re well combined.
7. Seal up the banana custard in a storage container and allow to cool completely. Then, pour it into your ice cream maker and follow those instructions. Every ice cream maker is different. I got mine for $11 at Aldi, which might explain why it kind of sucks.
Frozen Chocolate Cheesecake Custard
4 egg yolks
2 cups heavy cream
1/8 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 oz cream cheese
1 ½ cups bittersweet chocolate chips
1. In a saucepan over medium heat, pour the cream and bring to a weak simmer. Remove from the heat and allow to cool slightly.
2. While the cream is cooling, combine the egg yolks, sugar, and vanilla in a bowl, using a whisk or a hand mixer. You want the yolk mixture to appear pale and thick.
3. This step is just the same as step 3 above: tempering. Slowly pour the cream into the yolk mixture a ¼ cup at a time, briskly whisking. When half of the cream is combined with the yolk mixture, transfer it all to the saucepan, still whisking. (Has your arm fallen off yet?)
4. Heat up the raw custard over medium-low or low heat, whisking the entire time. It should thicken slightly and coat the back of a spoon.
5. When the custard has reached that point, start adding the chocolate chips. Add them just a few at a time, mixing until they’re melted and waiting until they’re fully melted before adding more.
6. Once all the chocolate chips have been added, stir in the cream cheese. Make sure it’s fully melted and incorporated into the mixture before removing the pan from the heat.
7. Seal it in a storage container and pop it in the refrigerator until cool, then fire up the ice cream maker.
I have a few tricks up my recipe sleeve as we approach the end of the season. Cole will be hosting a fancy party, Polly will be getting drunk, and I’m going to find a way to use two of the awesomest recipes I’ve found in a long time (these recipes include beer, caramel, and pretzels, in harmony together). I haven’t ruled out doing ice cream for Chooch, but it seems like that’s pretty predictable. Also – and this is of course in no way at all related to a possible recipe for Chooch – if anyone can get me some Cintron, I’d be much obliged.