Cocks in the Hen House 09.01.10 – This is about as literal as it gets, folks. *NSFW*


“Cocks in the Hen House” is a weekly column by friends of the Chicks that aren’t, well, chicks. Stop by every Wednesday to see what the men-folk have to say about the weeks biggest baseball stories.

By: Double Dynamite

The Toy Drawer. It’s a woman’s sacred stash, the place where her sexual needs and cravings are most succinctly defined for ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ELSE TO SEE.

One problem, babe: We know about it. And we investigate.

Remember that time your boyfriend so sweetly came over at 3 o’clock in the morning when you called him after hearing a noise downstairs, so you let him sleep in when you left for work? Well … he took a peek in the Toy Drawer. And don’t think that the false bottom fooled him. Guys are only dumb in areas where they want to be dumb. If he sniffing out your anal beads, Dummy McJockington becomes Charlie Fucking Chan.

Oh yeah, he knows you have anal beads.

So, being that September has arrived and the Phillies made you say, “What a bunch of dildos!” 38 times while Hiroki Kuroda treated them like a blow-up doll the other night, let’s combine two of your favorite pastimes and personify some of the items in the Toy Drawer:

The Phillies As Your Sex Toys

Jimmy Rollins: The Remote Control Clit Stimulator. J-Roll isn’t the prototypical leadoff hitter, but we’re OK with that because, well … it’s that smile. The man is the definition of fun. Like Jimmy, this toy isn’t based on size or even effectiveness in its role. It’s all about the fun. And what’s more fun than letting your man take you to the diner with this strapped to you and buzzing the hell out of your sweet spot as you give your order? Nothing, that’s what.

Placido Polanco: Vibrating Egg. When you look at it, you think “How could something with a head like that be functional?” Yet, when you slip it in and turn it on, it does all the little things. Nothing does a better job of getting you from first orgasm to third like that fundamentally sound puppy.

Chase Utley: The Silver Bullet. It’s old-school, and it is awesome. Yeah, it wears down from overuse …. but that’s the whole point! You can’t get enough of it. It’s basic, it’s no-nonsense. And you’d beat the fuck out of someone if they stole it from the drawer.

Ryan Howard: That Big Dildo You Can Barely Handle. You got this when you started dating that guy with the horse cock, because the first time you two did it you were sore for days. It has become your hammer ever since, because every now and then a woman digs being long-balled.

Jayson Werth: That Crazy Three-Headed Purple Thing. You don’t even know what the fuck that thing is called. That freak ex-  with the gauged ear lobes and the cock piercing gave it to you. Oh, it can be fun — he did that thing where the one part went in the butt and the other on the clit, mmmmm … but you tried it once on your own and struck out. That thing is too hot and cold. Annoying.

Shane Victorino: The Vibrator That Goes To 11. You know that it goes to 11 because you were turning it up to full-throttle and … oops. It went past the “High” setting to this crazy place. And now it’s stuck there. I mean, no other toy vibrates that hard, but after more than 15 seconds it gets a little annoying. But bring it in at the right time, and it’s “Aloha Means Oh My!”

Raul Ibanez: Bottle of Warming Oil. You got this stuff at South Beach and let that Latin lover smear it on himself before going to town with you. It was pretty hot for a while, then it sorta went numb. And you weren’t quite finished. You can’t really figure out if it’s good or bad. Puzzling.

Carlos Ruiz: Stubby The Butt Plug. Yeah, you named it Stubby. It was your first foray into anal, and it is just right. You don’t want your G.I. tract ravaged, and this gives you just the right groove. And if you’re dating a guy who isn’t packing like the Big Piece, this is a clutch hitter.

Roy Halladay: The Curved Vibe: You’ve had other curved toys, but this one is special. You slip it in,and it seems like any other. Then at the last second, it drops and …. BINGO! You don’t know where it goes or how it gets there. You are just glad something gets you So Buttered. Oh, and if that wasn’t enough of a miracle … you have never needed to change the battery. Ever.

Cole Hamels: The Glass Dildo. This is for when you’re feeling glitzy. The boy is taking you to the five-star hotel for a sex marathon? You’re bringing this, along with the white corset and thigh-highs. He loves watching you warm up with this .. and you enjoy it too. It’s smooth as silk. And you get damp just thinking about it.

Roy Oswalt: The Thumper. Yeah, you call it The Thumper, because even though it’s technically a vibrator, this little guy THUMPS. This isn’t out to buzz you. This gives you that jackhammer feeling, and you have no idea how it does it. It ain’t big. But you sure do appreciate it.

Joe Blanton: Fat Fucker. You dated some underachieving slob for four months, and this is all you got out of it: Some too-thick stubby vibe that uses a D battery and always hesitates at the start, then gasses before you’re finished. You can’t believe he spent $79 on that thing.

Kyle Kendrick: The “Is That A Toy?” Toy. You aren’t even sure if it’s a toy. It’s shaped like one, you guess. You don’t know where it came from, and really you should throw it out. But you keep it in there, just in case the 16 other toys suddenly become non-functional.

Jamie Moyer: The “Back Massager.” You’ve had it for years, and you really did receive it as a back massager from Aunt Sadie on your 16th birthday. And you swear that when you get it out every once and again you’re only going to work that knot out of your back … but you always end up legs akimbo, slowly scratching some other itch. And once you cum you have no idea what just happened. But you respect it.

Brad Lidge: The Mystery Rabbit. So, you got this toy because you saw it on Sex And The City. And the first time you used it, it was perfect — PURRRR-FECT! You have never had an orgasm like that … and never since. What the fuck did you do that first time that made it so awesome? You’ve tried changing the batteries, the angle, the position of your legs. You can’t get that fucking thing to be perfect again. GARRRRRRR!!!!!

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11 Responses

  1. So wait? Does this mean Phillies fans need a lot of batteries?

    • Yeah. And once they go bad we just throw them at people.

  2. This is the best thing I’ve ever read.

  3. i was laughing so hard that i was crying reading this.

  4. Oh. My. God. By far the best post ever. Comprehensive and well thought out. I laughed so many times, but damnneardied when I got to Jamie Moyer. I was totally going to hit my stiff neck with my back massager shortly anyway, now I’ll be thinking of Grandpa.

  5. Okay, I actually got a chance to read the whole thing now. You, ladies, are both brilliant and sick. But in a gut-busting hilarity sort of way.

    Carry on.

  6. Oh my God, how creative and brilliantly done! Love it.

  7. I feel dirty now.

    But goddamn was that funny.

  8. This is by far one of the greatest things I have ever read!! I literally am laughing so hard it hurts.

  9. Please tell me this was written by a drunk ZWR???? Holy Hell… I almost peed my pants…

  10. NSFW, indeed. But suitable for this perv. Kudos! Loved it!

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