Many thanks to @SonOfADeitch for providing the inspiration for this little play.
Citi Field. Earlier today.
Dubee: I’m not sure what to tell you, Doc. You’re incredible on the mound. Any advice I give you will probably just fuck things up.
Halladay: Well, thanks, Rich. Oh hey, Kendrick is headed this way. I’ll be in the clubhouse.
Dubee: No, wait, stay here! Don’t leave me alone with this guy! [Halladay sprints toward the dugout] Awh, fuck.
Kendrick: Hey, Rich. You see me pitching out there?
Dubee: Out where? Oh, um, yeah, of course I did.
Kendrick: I think I’ve got it all figured out. Mostly.
Dubee: [rolls eyes] Figured what out?
Kendrick: This pitching problem I’ve been having. I mean, you guys gave me the start on Saturday, so I thought I should probably get to work on it. You know, my fiancé was watching me the other day, and she thinks I’m not taking deep enough breaths before I wind up. One of her friends thought that the color of the grass might be bothering me. I’ve been experimenting with purple tinted sunglasses. And one of my buddies from AAA, he thinks…
Dubee: [Through gritted teeth] Really fantastic, Kendrick. Sounds great. Now get away from me. Um…I mean get back out there and keep working.
Kendrick: Do you think I should try out a new glove? Or how about shoes? I keep forgetting to look in Doc’s locker to see what kind of shoes he wears.
Dubee: You could just ask him what kind of shoes he wears.
Kendrick: But that would be weird, wouldn’t it? I mean, if someone asked me that, I would think it was weird. But if I just look in his locker, he won’t even know. So easy, right?
Dubee: And not the least bit like stalking. Will you get your ass back out there and start pitching again? I’m aging here.
Kendrick: Maybe it’s my hair. Cole’s hair is kind of long. He’s got that whole surfer dude thing going on, so that works for him. My fiancé told me if I grew my hair out long, I’d look like serial killer. Or a drifter. Or maybe she said accountant. Well, whatever she said, she doesn’t like it, but I think it’s worth the risk if it’ll help me get back to form, right?
Dubee: Ignoring the fact that you don’t have a form to get back to…
Kendrick: When I was pitching against the Brewers last week, I had this idea. It was during the first inning, I think. Anyway, I was thinking that maybe my head isn’t clear enough when I’m pitching. Maybe I need a hobby! Like fishing or hunting or something. Or putting together model airplanes.
Kendrick: Say, Rich, are you ok? Every time I talk to you it’s like you’ve completely lost the will to live. Is everything ok?
Dubee: [Under his breath] Kill me now.
Kendrick: Or is it me? I know you’re concerned. But like I told you, I am too! I know I’m a good pitcher, I just need to figure out what’s going on. What do you think? And do you know if purple tinted glasses are regulation?
Dubee: Kendrick, don’t you think you’ve overlooked something really important? In this fucking quest you’re on to fix your pitching problems?
Kendrick: [long pause] Um…Maybe? I don’t know. Maybe it’s my car. Maybe all that speed is throwing me off! I could get a pickup truck. Or one of those wood paneled station wagons. Or one of those little smart cars! It could be what I eat. I could go vegan! Soy and tofu and wheat germ and all that. Did you know that there are foods out there that are called superfoods? Like spinach? Or maybe it was kale. Though I’m not sure what kale is. I could start eating more of those! Do you think that’s why they had Popeye eating spinach? I wonder if anyone has ever tried to eat spinach all the time, like he did. I should look that up later.
Dubee: [Looks longingly at Vance Worley, who is pitching silently.] No, no, Kendrick. Jesus Christ.
Kendrick: You know, I’m not really all that religious. I mean I could try it, I guess. Praying and going to church and reading the bible. Though right now I’m really into Dean Koontz. Do you think they have a Cliff’s Notes version? Just the basics of the bible? Wait, does Buddhism have a bible? They do meditating and all that. Maybe that could help me. I don’t know any Buddhists, but one of my friends has a Buddha statue. Well, it’s not a statue, it’s hollow. And I don’t think he uses it for meditation, unless smoking weed out of a statue of Buddha is part of the whole Buddhism thing. Or am I confusing that with Bob Marley?
Dubee: [Shaking with barely suppressed rage] Stop talking. Just stop talking right now. Shut up. SHUT UP. Fuck, I’d pay Baez to toss a ball at my head just so I wouldn’t have to hear you anymore, but he’d probably miss my head and nail me in the nutsack.
Dubee: Hell, getting drilled in the balls with a line drive is starting to look wicked attractive right now.
Dubee: Are you fucking insane? Vegan? Buddhism? Smart cars? Purple tinted glasses?
Kendrick: Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. All that sounds kinda pussy. Not good for my image.
Dubee: [snorts] IMAGE!? CHRIST! Do you think changing any of that bullshit is going to actually help you not suck at your job, you fuckstick?
Kendrick: Well, it could be anything, right? It could even be…
Dubee: NO! I will not get sucked back into your moron world of stupid fucking claptrap. Shut the fuck up and walk away from me right now and start pitching.
Kendrick: [pause]…So what you’re saying is that I should try being quiet. You know, when I’m at home and not doing baseball things. If I’m quieter when I’m at home, maybe I’ll have some of that energy to use while I’m here! My fiancé won’t like it, but she’ll totally understand. If that gives me more energy, I could start getting here super early, like Doc does! I’m sure he’d like having a workout buddy, just like at spring training! And I’d have all that pent up energy from not talking, so I’d be unstoppable! Awh, thanks Rich! You always know the right thing to say. [Trots away.]