I attract crazies. I don’t say this to be mean, but really, it’s true. If you follow me on Twitter, it’s inevitable that at some point or another, you’ve read my rants on the stupidity that surrounds me at games. Between basically living at the Phillies and Flyers, I have heard the gamut of insanity come from the mouths of fans, and am still left speechless. Instead of presenting you with a Nationals Sexy Opponent, since I’d be kidding if I said they had anyone attractive left to profile, I present to you a quiz.
I’m lucky in the fact that, because of my family and perks of having them in the Front Offices, I am able to attend all of the Phillies and Flyers games right up until Game 7 of the championships. Believe me, in all those games I have heard things that are truly unbelievable. As the seasons – and winning – have progressed, and the bandwagon fans jump on in droves, it has often been muttered that “there should be a sports IQ test for fans to sit in the good seats!” and I am 110% on board with that. In my experience it seems the people in the good seats are just those “casual” fans who get lucky, or have the dough to buy their way in. Because of our love of the game, my deeply passionate hatred of bandwagon fans, and my stupidity magnetism, I finally did come up with a test!
Every question below is based on a true account of some simpleton I’ve dealt with in my travels. Yes, the good seats are almost always mind-numbing, sometimes infuriating, and good for a belly laugh or two. I’m quite sure I’ve even been close to an aneurysm a few times. There is always the correct answer, as well as the actual answers/reasons given by the fans sitting next to me, and sometimes contradicted by their companions, resulting in extra choices. None of the choices I have written have been made up – these are straight from the horse’s mouth. I’m pretty sure I deserve a medal for listening to these idiots (and this isn’t even the half of it!)
1. The ace pitcher we acquired from the in 2009 (and subsequently traded away) is named:
2. When legend Ted Williams died, his kids decided to chop off his head and freeze it, causing quite a stir. How long ago did this happen?
– August, 2010
3. When Raul Ibanez heads to the plate, makes a great play, or gets a clutch hit, what is your normal reaction?
– Bay at the moon and howl “RAAAUUUUUUULLL!”
– Ask why people are booing him
4. Our beloved Chooch is about to approach the plate, and Phil Collins blares through the stadium. You:
– Ask why they’re playing this song, is it, like, and inside joke or something?
– Sing along and bellow “CHOOOOOOOOOCH!”
5. The hated Yankee who used roids and reportedly has a painting of him as half-man, half-Centaur is named:
– Alex Rodriguez
– Andrew Merenguez
6. What position does Manny Ramirez play?
– Left Field
– None; He retired two years ago
7. Jamie Moyer is…
– 47 years old, thank you, we get it…
– 55 or 60, I think!!
8. Lucky you, you scored a seat right in Row 1! But, watch out, there’s a ball coming right for you, maybe if you stretch a little you…
– Can grab the ball for a souvenir! I’m allowed to lean into the field, right? I paid for these seats, dammit!
– Glue your hands to your side. No sir, no way are you gonna become the Steve Bartman of the Phillies! If it’s not clearly foul, in the seats, or it’s still inside the park, it’s off limits.
9. Speaking of, Steve Bartman…
– Ruined the hopes and dreams of Cubs fans everywhere by interfering with a ball in play
– Is the manager of the Cubs
10. The Phanatic
– Is the best mascot ever in sports, hands down, game over. He’s from the Galapagos Islands, and his mom is named Phoebe.
– What the hell is that ugly green furball? He’s not even cute. Why is he shaking his hands and rubbing his butt on people? What a waste of popcorn that was!
11. Joe Blanton is
– Our ace
– Almost always a migraine waiting to happen that gives up runs in the first inning. He may also radiate a scent of bacon from the pitcher’s mound on hot days, and his hair looks like a hedgehog. I can’t even tell you what’s on his chin.
12 .In his spare time, Roy Oswalt likes to
– Varmint hunt
– You mean that isn’t Cliff Lee out there?
Now, let’s play the Name Game!
13. Pitcher #35 is
– Cole Hamels
– Cole HOH-meals
14. Pitcher #34 is
– Roy Holiday
– Roy Halladay
15. Pitcher #44 is
– Roy OHs-walt
– Roy OZ-wald
16. Outfielder #9s name is spelled differently. How so?
– There’s an O where there is normally and I or E
– You mean that isn’t Shane Victorino?!
17. By the way, who is #9?
– Domonic Brown
– Stephen Brown
18. Our beloved skipper’s name is…
– Charlie Man-WELL
– Charlie Manuel
– Jerry Manuel
19. The Commissioner of the MLB is
– Gary Bettman
– Bud Selig
20. How many games are in the final round of World Series playoffs?
– Best of Seven
– Eight games, with a Game Nine tiebreaker
And a bonus question…
21. What team is considered the Phillies’ stud farm?
– The New York Mets
– The San Diego Padres
– The Houston Astros
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