Ode to Shane, Melissa, and Kingston Shane Victorino

Great news from the Phillies today:
Shane and his woman had a baby yesterday.
A new Victorino for the fall,
A winning experience for all,
I bet “ya know” is the first thing he’ll say.

Shane and Melissa Victorino at the Shane Victorino Charity Fashion Show

Ode to the New York Mets

Michael Bryant/Philadelphia Inquirer

The Phillies beat the Mets 3-to-2,
Reyes, Wright, and Pelf wailed “boo-hoo”!
Didn’t like Utley’s slide,
So together they cried,
Utley said “Boo? Fuck you!”

Chooch’s Walk-off Heroics as called by Scott Franzke and Danny Martinez

There was a half-inning left to play,
The fans chanted “Beat LA”.
They wore their rally caps,
And watched Broxton collapse,
As the Phils once again made him pay.

Take it away, Scott and LA:

And once more, with salsa!:

(Serious ups to @thekdotcom for synching the radio calls to the video.)

PS. Chooch has been so clutch lately, it’s no wonder that we’re hoochies for Choochie!

Ode to Carlos Beltran

“I would have caught it if I didn’t get stuck in the fence,” -Carlos Beltran on Jayson Werth’s second inning home run.

Courtesy of @cranekicker.

 Silly Carlos Beltran,
Into the fence you ran.
You misjudged the ball,
Broke your face on the wall.
You’re an even bigger douche than Johan!

Limericks from Last Night 08.05.10 Phillies 5, Marlins 4

Ode to JC Romero

Hey J”GN”C, you suck!
You walked in a run, what the fuck?!
Now the Fish are winning,
They scored four runs this inning,
I hope Oswalt runs you over with his truck.

Ode to Billy Wagner-Replay-UPDATED

Now just because the Phillies are 7.0 games out of first place and have lost all but one game since the All-Star break doesn’t mean that we can’t make fun of Billy Wagner’s blown save against the Padres. Here’s a classic limerick that I’m dusting off for the occaison, because ripping Wags never gets old: Eff that. It’s been a rough two months for us Fans of the Fightins’, and it’s about to get more tumultuous as we wait to see if Ruben makes a trade. We deserve a new limerick, yo:

There once was a rat named Billy,
Who used to play baseball in Philly.
But now he’s a Brave,
Who blew a big save,
And he has a really small penis too.

There once was a pitcher called Wags,
And when he chokes, he gags.
Hairston took him deep,
Torrealba made him weep,
He finds comfort by dressing in drag.

Ode to the Phillies Offense

Sigh…

H Rumph, Jr/AP Photo

The Phils’ offense came up really small,
They couldn’t hit the motherfucking ball,
They stranded Ryan on third,
This chick flipped them the bird,
In the standings, they continue to fall.

Ode to Roy Halladay

I was going to write a recap of the Phillies’ 3-1 victory over the Braves, but decided to write a limerick instead:

 
There once was a pitcher called Doc,
Who put the Braves’ hitters in shock,
Only one rounded bases,
The rest broke their faces,
And couldn’t hold Halladay’s jock.

Ode to Francisco Rodriguez

Happy Independence Day! Just because the Phillies are five games out of first place doesn’t mean that we can’t still make fun of the Mets, am I right?:

Greg Fiume/Getty Images

There once was a closer from New York,
Who celebrated saves like a dork.
He gave up three runs,
To the Nats’ Pudge and Dunn,
God, what a fucking douchebag.

Ode to the Fucking Bullpen

Hey bullpen, you really suck!
In the ninth, I was all “what the fuck?!”
The Phils were up by five,
But then took a big dive,
Thanks to Danys, Chad, Brad, and Big Truck.